So I found out that a good friend of mine got engaged. I surprised myself by my happiness. I sat like an idiot smiling when found this out via a short email. I was sitting in the library after just having finished the week’s work, which was a mess to get through after a London weekend that left me in complete disarray during Monday.
I was reading a poor book I promised I would review and was slowly easing into the reality that a weekend is arriving. Then boom! Good friend is getting engaged! One of my least favorite things with myself is my inability to sometimes be happy for others. It might perhaps have to do with a nagging feeling that life is unfair and that I somehow ended up in the cold Swedish darkness again with no one to blame but myself. But still, I am sometimes surprised by my own reactions to other people’s success. I find it easier to relate to people that go through more difficult time, not that it makes me happy in any way when my friends struggle. Maybe these feelings are not that strange but they do put a dent in the idea of who I am. It is like I never really know how I will react to truly good news from friends. Sometimes I am more preoccupied with envy than the happiness I should feel for people that I care about.
So, today I was not only very very happy for my friend, and the fact that I will attend a wedding this summer, but also happy that other people’s happiness made me happy. I read this and I wonder if I might be 12 years old. I am not. For those of you wondering.