How does it feel?
Sometimes when facing this question I’ve actually tried to figure out how it does feel. As if there would be a distinct physical sensation relating to this number deep down inside of me. “Well John, now that you mention it, my shoulders do feel stiff and my eyes are quite sore. It could of course be related to the fact that I spend my days in front of a computer screen, but it could also, I now realize, be the feeling on being thirty years old.”
Could the feeling of turning thirty be reduced to shoulder pain and dry eyes? Ha! As if my eyes haven’t been dry for the past couple of years from eyeballing various computer screens. And my shoulders: they’ve been cracking like indecisive rocks falling down a hill for years now. These are simply general signs of decay and not a thirty-year-of-age-specific occurrence.
Sometimes I’ve felt forced to come up with something that would allude to the fact that I acknowledge that I have reached some kind of milestone. “I definitely feel older you know, as if I’ve lived through a few things, know more about myself and who I am.” Oh, how I wish that would be true, that I could live up to my own smell of academic distance which I litter in occasional sentences.
Do I fear the answer to the how does it feel question? Is that’s why I can’t find the answer? Or is the numeric reality of modern life simply not adjusted to human beings, even if we wish they were? The natural answer to the question is after all: “Pretty much like before, although my hand hurts slightly from burning it on a sauna chimney hours before my 30th”.
Perhaps the realization that life simply moves on, adding scars (some from sauna chimneys) and other signs of years passed is the feeling I am looking for, which in some ways does give my false academic statement some merit I suppose.